How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ["Assassinated" is reserved for elite persons who were an "ass" well before being “inated” (murdered)]

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? [Logging companies might disagree with your first premise...and most banks offer only "twigs," which a subservient, authority-worshiping society has accepted as "branches"]

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? [Have you never sampled Pimento Loaf? Best to be careful with inclusions, lest you assume the physical shape of the more common sandwich meat you refer to]

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? [Putting our "two-cents" in is an effort to clone or otherwise dominate another's thinking...so we make the extra investment. "Bombing Evil Ones" might serve as an example of our two-cents worth...or NOT, depending on your political persuasion and/or fear level. In the rare situation where self-absorbed individuals ask for someone else's opinion (what were they thinking?)...ONE penny is more than generous. Additionally, and the SoulMan is saddened to have to point this out, many ones do not feel worthy of a full TWO-cents of value, so only request a penny's worth. Self-image psychology is a main theme in Celestial Fire ~ A Naval Aviator's Spiritual Odyssey. I am knowing and demonstrating that the TRUE MEASURE of a person's worth is UNLIMITED!!! But let us not get too serious, on this page, at least]

Once you're in Heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? [You're STILL having trouble with the "naked" thing, I see...time to shed those encumbrances and join the party! Besides, who told you you were naked? And why did you believe THEM?]

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? [Would you prefer a square pizza in a round box?]

What disease did cured ham actually have? [Not dis-ease exactly...a "cured ham" is the humbling result of realizing poor-quality joke writing. I KNOW the feeling!]

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? [Astronauts packed light for the Apollo Missions…carry-on only]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? [Allowing for the variances within subjective interpretation, consider it's the quality within the two hours "people" are referring to. Humans are so very entertaining, are we not?]

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? [Some are hearing...some are not. It's a fact of life]

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? [As long as work-persons get the "Coke" accurately weighed, correctly processed, and then properly encased in dog-inspection-proof canisters--all with NO WASTE--ones can drink all the Pepsi they want]

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? [In this case...you ARE the movie]

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? [They were planning on jumping off the the building (and taking YOU with them), but after further review, changed their minds. Does the SoulMan have to keep explaining basic psychological functioning to you?]

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? [So...let me clarify your meaning here. You would rather look at 50, downhill-grade, SOF type (stodgy old farts--almost always male) Presidential candidates; and only two, young and beautiful Miss America contestants? Might I inquire as to the nature of social life on YOUR planet?]

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. [They need to visit the facilities and the whiskey cabinet first...perhaps TWICE in your case]

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who does he/she call? [Not YOU...that's clear! 9/11...a curious "rescue" number, is it not?]

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? [After reading all of your questions, it's highly unlikely you will ever be invited to discover this answer, first hand. But there's always the second-hand, "ON TV"]

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? [YES...except when having lunch with intellectual snobs. Remind you of anyone?]

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"? [For this and other reasons too numerous to mention, it's obvious YOU were never breastfed. I shall pray for your deliverance]

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? [Perhaps Dr. James Pottenger (www.thescienceofspirit.com) is correct when he suggests freewill and responsibility-taking is beyond the practical reach of most humans.]

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? [Because the freezer is where dead bodies are stored...I thought you watched television!]

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? [Only if I wish to be identified. How's the frowning routine been working out for you?]

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? [Law enforcement NOW cares...so I'd be very careful with your crack and corn]

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? [NO...only the body-pool lane. I know...the SoulMan "remains" apologetic for the "stiff" joke]

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? [What item does not fit?: tropical paradise; lots of food; no time-clock punching; sleep till noon; available women; corporate sponsorship for the drama; fixing a hole in the boat so the "ordeal" can end. Do you really need a "professor" to help you figure this one out?]

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? [You are well advised to consider the wealth of self-image enhancement processes in the SoulMan's new book, Celestial Fire. But in a sound bite: most people are confident enough to face judgment regarding what's lacking on their wrist.]

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! [What part of "Goofy" don't you understand?]

What do you call male ballerinas? [What part of "male" ballerina is disturbing? Consider seeing a sex-identification specialist if this label continues to trouble you. Either that, or surrender to your calling and enroll in dance classes--bring a tutu]

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? [How good is YOUR vision when your eyes are closed?]

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? [The less than Wyle E. does what Coyotes do--chase prey. A more probative, out-of-character query might be: "What could possibly motivate a Coyote (a member of the astute canine species) to buy all that ACME crap?"]

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? [The bath water that the majority keep throwing out with the baby]

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? [Only with ONE entity I can currently think of]

Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse? [And you thought everyone wanted to be Walt Disney?]

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? [I'm truly worried about you]

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? [See the above]

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? [You enjoy way too much free time, not enough fiber...perhaps BOTH]

AND IN CONCLUSION: Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, s/he gets mad at you. But when you take him or her for a car ride, s/he sticks his or her head out the window? [Let me think...could it be…YOUR PUTRID BREATH!]

Before we dive back into concept, I have determined (all is opinion) that part of the reason I’m sometimes misunderstood is because of the unique meaning I bring to certain words. To clear up that confusion, and so we can be on the same page during this interactive, potentially life-changing dialogue, you are benefited by referring to the following definitions list.

THANK YOU...thank you very much. LJS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"SoulDog" Tanner answers the "WHY" questions

SUBJECT:

Why, Why, Why:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? [Like any food bowl, some content (energy) remains even when the container is spent. Your senses may be dull, but surely you know this]

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? [We canines have many secret burial locations and are never "insufficient," but I'm told that banks are experts at negative accounting]

Why do persons believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet or the plate is hot? [Similar to many humans, those you refer to currently lack the imagination and belief that they are actually in touch with 4 billion stars]

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? [To avoid criminal law suits in case the injection fails to be lethal. No law degrees in your circle of influence, I note]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? [The Tarzan story is a metaphor for life; not intended to be taken literally. He can have a beard if you need him to]

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? [Even "Superman" is not smart or fast enough to dodge bullets]

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? [They wish to be prepared for a potentially rough landing in the Afterlife]

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? [Sadly, it's there to poke cruel FUN at those who have the condition]

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? [Some Great apes see no advantage in evolution...you may be the evidence that they are on to something]

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? [Even canines know that "white" means that ALL colors are represented]

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? [Would you prefer they were never on sale?]

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? [Woe ye of little imagination! Canines always uncover something new]

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? [They are optimists...you might wish to try it sometime]

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? [I see that life has been hard for you]

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? [Now you know where the human expression "you really BUG me" comes from. More questions like this and I may adopt this expression]

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?" [I'm betting you get run over a lot]

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over? [Perhaps, in your case, it's related to why the first thing keeps falling off the table]

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? [What if you were not a "complainer," but instead rejoice that you have removable clothing and a thermostat?]

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? [Most humans, present company excepted, and canines have a closer association with those with breasts and a womb]

And last but not least............The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

[You humans are so FUNNY! Me and my canine buddies are wildly entertained by your insanity, hence the continual tail wagging you misinterpret.]

Submitted in LOve and Frisbee FUN,

“Soul Dog” Tanner

 P.S. My friend, constant companion and spiritual colleague, "SoulMan" Larry, has been a fair-to-good student of life. He has finally learned to have J FUN, as the BIG DOG in the sky intends.

1. Coffee (n.); a person who is coughed upon (as differentiated by a “coffor”). [A handy term during flu season]

2. Flabbergasted (adj.); appalled over how much weight I've gained.

3. Abdicate (v.); to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. [I REFUSE to abdicate!]

4. Esplanade (v.); to attempt an explanation while drunk. [Makes drinking a no-talk zone]

5. Willy-nilly (adj.); impotent. [Say...WHAT?]

6. Negligent (adj.); describes a condition in which you (male or female) absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. [For the record, let me state…]

7. Lymph (v.); to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.); an olive-flavored mouthwash [Yuk!]

9. Flatulence (n.); the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you’re run over by a steamroller. [You can laugh NOW…but wait till YOU need one!]

10. Balderdash (n.); a rapidly receding hairline. [NOT funny]

11. Testicle (n.); a humorous question on an exam. [STILL trying not to laugh?]

12. Rectitude (n.); the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before “he” examines you. [THAT’S what that look was! Question for God: Why so few FEMALE proctologists?]

13. Pokemon (n); a Jamaican proctologist. [Now THAT’S funny!]

14. Oyster (n.); a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. [Rev. M had to remind me of OY VAY. I know I'm an ignorant gentile, but I'm working on it!]

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.); the belief that when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. [As long as my dogs are there…no problem]

16. Circumvent (n.); the opening in the front of boxer shorts. [And I thought that opening was just job-security for seamstresses.]

And now…you should be attitude adjusted and ready to rengage the seriousness with a harmonious perspective. Return here, as needed, to maintain beneficial balance.

Yours for a more empowered, joyous, allowing, and FUN NOW!

— SoulMan